I looked at the Doctors Without Borders world map the summer of 2012 and wondered, where do I want to live next? Honolulu, Hawaii was the answer that came. When I was in high school, I remember sitting on my bed, reading teen romance books and dreaming about someday as an adult getting away from my abusive and neglectful mother and living by the ocean where I could write. So I could be free. I saw myself in an upper floor of a house, perhaps a vacation home, with pen and paper, overlooking the beach and ocean. It was a dream that helped me escape from the frightening, controlling, and abusive mother with whom I lived until I was 20 years old.
I applied to the University of Hawaii to the undergraduate program in English and was accepted in the spring of 2013. At the end of January, I received phone calls from relatives telling me she was dying in a St. Paul, Minnesota hospital. I went to see her so I could have some sort of closure.
As soon as I saw her, I stopped and froze. I said to the aid in the room, I don’t believe that is my mother! She was all shrunken and pale, almost blended into the white bed sheets. She used to be 5 foot 7 inches tall and weighed 200 plus pounds. I couldn’t believe how thin and frail she had become over the years. The air was warm, filled with the heaviness of the unresolved emotions from the past. I turned around and almost walked out of the room, but stopped myself, breathed deeply, and said, “OK, I can do this.” She was sleeping with a mask hooked up to a loud breathing machine. She had advanced COPD. I said “Mother, it’s Jane. I brought you a picture of me. I’m leaving it on your bedside table. I wish I could have had a healthy relationship with you. I wish I could have known who my father was. I don’t know what else to say. So this is goodbye.” I walked out of the room. I believe she really did hear what I said to her. It also felt like there were angels in the room protecting me.
It was after I was home that I realized the fear was gone. The debilitating fear I had when I used to live with her and that lingered for years after I had moved away was gone! It wasn’t because she was old and frail and near death, but that I had released my fear from the past. I felt strong and whole now even when I was in the same room with her. I had taken my power back.
She unexpectedly died alone in the hospital 5 days later, February 3, 2013. She never made it into hospice care. The nurse said she looked peaceful.
Hawaii was beautiful and I found the ocean soothing, but I could not find permanent housing. I was there from August through January. I followed my dream to live by the ocean even though I was scared. I am now in a homeless shelter in South San Francisco next to the airport. Seeing and hearing the planes fly overhead reminds me of beginnings and endings. I am sitting on the launching pad, getting ready to take off. I have graduated from being a victim to feeling powerful.
I moved out of Honolulu, Hawaii on January 22. It was beautiful there and the people were friendly, but I couldn’t find enough money to pay for my housing. So I moved in with my friend in California and now I am in temporary housing in South San Francisco. Being so close to the ocean was healing for me, but I am still reasonably close now, to the Bay and the Pacific. I have changed and grown, and do not regret moving out of Minnesota.
Well I am still alive! I did move to Honolulu, Hawaii 3 months ago last night. I have not known what to write about this so far. It has not been what I expected, but I did not know what to expect! I have not found paradise yet, well, short moments of it, yes. I need to find my own paradise from within. Photos are of Waikiki Beach.
Posted in Memoir
The words you use come true! So watch what you speak out loud, think or write. If you frequently say, I don’t have enough, I’m always broke, then you will be. I catch myself and turn the thought around. I do have enough. I am abundant. I only think prosperous thoughts. It is about observing your thoughts and what you speak. This takes time and practice! I still catch myself, and then turn the thought around to something positive.
My fundraising campaign. Share this please.
There is a little over a week left in my fundraising campaign. The important part is manifesting the money for the one-way airplane ticket. Maybe I can work with the manager about the housing deposit. I am going to move no matter what! I am determined! Thank you for any donation, small or large, that you can give.
Whatever you give out to the universe, always comes back to you.
A friend last week said, “Paradise can only last for so long.” Someone else said, “Why do you want to move away from your friends?” My therapist said, “The island will be crowded” and “There are few public beaches in Hawaii.” I did some research and found that all the beaches are public! That is state law, even though some hotels will try to tell you otherwise. I am not seeing her anymore! She couldn’t say anything positive about my move to Hawaii. I don’t want to hear any more negative talk about this! I am sick of hearing it!
Yesterday morning I woke up screaming at my now dead mother, “Get away from me!” In the dream, I was afraid she was going to take my money. I was holding large dollar bills, trying to hide them from her. I did just accept my student loans for the school year. And yes, when I was an adult and had some babysitting jobs, before I moved away, I did hide the money I earned from her. I never had any privacy! That was my money that I earned!
I am much older now. I have the power to create the paradise I deserve, wherever in the world that is.
I have posted a fundraising campaign on http://www.hopemob.org It is a crowd funding website.
Here is the direct link to my story. https://www.hopemob.org/s/1lv-help-me-fulfill-a-life-long-dream-move-to-hawaii-and-publish-my-memoir
I have never done online fundraising before for myself! It is not something I would have thought of doing before, but I am so close to moving, I can feel it! So I thought I would try this. I have received some donations and Facebook publicity through a good friend!
One hundred percent of the donations on http://www.hopemob.org go to the recipient, and it was pretty easy to post my story.
I think I just have a month and a half left in Minnesota! This has been about having faith that everything is working out for the best.